The crying is what I remember most from that day.
No matter what I did, she would not stop wailing. I never intended for things to turn out this way. It all happened so fast. I guess this is the first time I have really taken a second to recall each scene, clip by clip. You of all people must understand how much I loved, I mean, how much I really do love her. From the minute I saw little Lainey, she was my everything. Remember when I sang her to sleep with our old Beatles album on the record player, and Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds would crackle through the speakers? Whenever we sang her to sleep, substituting Lucy with Lainey, her smile was so alive, yet timid at the same time. I never understood how one little human could convey so much emotion in just a smile. Do you remember?
In your last letter, you asked me why I did it. Let me correct myself, you asked me that same question in every letter you have written since my first week in this hell hole. The shrink here calls it emotional reasoning. Basically she says that talking or thinking about the day it all happened makes me feel heartless, so I start believing that I am incapable of love or being loved. In other words, I have convinced myself I am void of a heart, and in turn, void of exuding or receiving any type of emotion at all. She says it is a defense mechanism. I decided to stop thinking about it in order to avoid those emotions, and that was why I never acknowledged when you would bring it up in your letters.
I cannot say that I completely understand or agree with all that psycho babble, but I guess she is usually right with that kind of stuff. Either way, she is making the consequences sound kind of harsh if I continue with this “pattern of thinking.” She is reading all of my outbound and inbound mail until she sees that I’m answering your inquiries about that day.
I don’t like this abuse of power, but I have been meaning to give you an explanation for quite some time. I do not think it will be what you are expecting or needing, but at least you will no longer feel ignored. I am sorry it has taken me almost three years to write this. I hope it gives you peace.
You want to know why I did it, but please, let me preface with a few questions for you. Why does one get into a car accident? Why do kids shoot other kids? Why do marriages end in adultery and divorce? These are all situations that are out of one’s control. Do you follow me? Probably not. I guess I am trying to say that some of us go through our entire lives as good people with the best intentions. However, even the best person can have a bad day and act off of a negative emotion in the worst way. Sometimes, one split second decision changes everything.
What I did that day, when I grabbed her like that… It was out of my control. So much was already happening that day. Before I knew it, I was yelling and screaming, begging her to stop crying. My hands were shaking as I continued to boil with bitterness toward my life sentence of motherhood alone. I am not blaming you for leaving us, I am only trying to explain that I was tired. I was frustrated. I was not cautious enough, and I was angry.
One minute, my trembling hands picked her up from the crib, still crying. The next, it was not only my hands that were shaking. It was also her head violently moving as if it was only connected to her neck by a few threads, back and forth, back and forth, like some old rag doll. Suddenly, I realized what I was doing, so I dropped her back into the crib. After that, I do not remember much. I can only remember the silence.
Silence was all I heard for a long time. Then, there were sirens.